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Post 13: HOW TO BECOME A BESTSELLING FEMALE AUTHOR

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Being a wannabe bestselling author, I decided to do a little research...

...on the topic and in particular how to become a bestselling author, with bosoms, so, I have compiled a list of the top ten tips I came across, although I could probably summarise it all, with the following, I quote:

'novelists are less likely to be taken on if they are not photogenic.'

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1. So, number one, *obviously* to be a bestselling female author, get a facelift.

2. Another article recommended, 'getting your 'smile fixed' erm???  *brain furiously tries to find the logic but fails*

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3. The gist of a third implied, that my vital statistics were essential for the success of any novel *peers down despairingly, at lilliputian legs*

4. Enlist professional help to edit and perfect...your author photo, not your novel silly!

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5. Buy a push up bra, because the world is more interested in the size of your tits that your use of syntax. *Glances down, demoralzied, at averagely sized, nondescript, not a chance of taking anyone's eye out, mammaries* 

6. Eat chocolate, for positive reinforcement, yes, I can do this! 'well done, you've managed to construct an entire sentence!' *chomp, chomp*

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7. Drink wine for inspiration...ok, my addition to the list, but really! also great for consolatory/delusionary purposes; *might as well, face it, my novel is crap...pours a glass of grapejuice...though not bad for a first attempt, and will be much improved after editing, and then it'll be a bestseller! and they'll make a movie!! and Emma Watson will be in it!!! hiccup*

8. Create a playlist to go with your novel, good plan! 'Holding Out For A Hero', by Bonnie Tyler,  'Believe In Me' by Demi Lovato, elieve In Me' by Bonnie Tyler, 'Roar' by Katy Perry...to be continued *terrific diversion to actually writing*

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9. VERY NB! and I cannot stress this particular point enough! make sure your nails are just the right shade! I mean, who needs the genius of JK Rowling, the ironic hilarity of Helen Fielding, the wit and charm of Marian Keyes, the brilliance of Elizabeth Gilbert, the fuck it all, forthrightness of Caitlin Moran, the insight of Jane Austen, the poetic sensibility of the Bronte sisters...

10. ...in fact who needs words? words require work and sweat and tears and time and committing your soul to paper. To become a bestselling female author, just get a boob job, take a shite load of selfies & totter along in your six inch stilettos, in the shadow of Kim Kardashian.

*tosses Thesaurus out of the window and invests in a pair of louboutins*

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Oh, you begrudger, you cry! though reading the reviews of Kim Kardashian's 'Selfish' on Amazon did cheer me up a tad, for example, my personal favourite, 'a poor tree died for this' *wicked grin* *now, now, be nice* *bites lip repentantly*

 Sophie ; ) ; ) X